or art imitating life.... The superbowl ads from CareerBuilder.com spoke a truth that I was laughing at while I watched, and then cried a little when I realized that this was more real to life than I realized.
Promotion Pit:
Training Seminar:
Performance Evaluation:
Its more than a little sad because I can see this happening every day. And its going to hurt us all.
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Friday, February 02, 2007
I quit!!!
Yep. Literally. I just walked out of my job today. It was both terrifying and liberating. I decided that I had enough trauma and pain from this stinking job and so I quit.
Actually I had a plan. I had been planning for quite some time and had decided that today was THE day. I had so many auspicious signs.... Full moon, Start of a new month (Black History Month at that) That and my 30 day probation was about up anyway.
I should give you some background. On January 2nd, right after a very long new years, where I managed to work about 95 hours to finish a project that I had been tasked.... I arrived into work at 9 am, exhausted. I got in did the usual ritual of saying hello and then turning on my computer to check my mail. There it was... the e-mail. It said to come up to a meeting at 11 am for a performance review, not to prepare anything but to be on time.
I panicked. how you deal with an e-mail first thing in the morning when you're exhausted? I did the best thing I could do. I frantically asked my coworkers, " was this the norm? " "Is this how the performance reviews are conducted? " I've never been in a situation like this before and I was freaking out. In the meantime, my boss was out, Her boss was inaccessible. I had no one to turn to and was at a complete loss. Even now just thinking about it is causing knots in my stomach. I couldn't have been in a worse situation. I had a massive deadline due and I couldn't focus. So I paced and I paced, wearing a circle in the rug
I go up to a meeting room at 11 a.m. Sitting there were both my boss and her manager, across the table looking stern and calm. I approached hesitant and sat down . I was immediately informed that this was my performance review. I tried to keep my composure during the course of the presentation. I found out that they were displeased with my work. So displeased in fact, that they found it "unacceptable" and "subpar." When I asked for details. I was informed that I had been polled prior about this very same information. (Turns out, Halloween was my first verbal warning, but I was never told it was my warning, and never got any documentation that it was.)
On top of that they slid a big document across the table at me and asked me to read it and then sign it. I read it. it was the standard fare of HR documents, but in addition there was a typed up single page note. It was so scathing and so personal that it felt personal. In this letter, my manager accused me specifically of holding up the project, and went so far to say "I no longer had faith in her abilities to finish the work."
I was horrified. I had no real response. It was as if someone had hit me in the gut kicked me in the face slapped me around and told me my mother was a cheap whore. All of those hours for nothing! It was so virulent it astounded me. I was told I should sign it immediately on recognition of excepting this document. I told them I didn't feel comfortable signing it. I said, that I'd like to take it away and look it over it before I sign anything. I was immediately told "there would be no more meetings, we can stay here all day if we need to."
My heart was in my throat, and you know me I hate confrontation. So I signed the document just to get out of there, realizing I had signed my doom.
It was a 30 day performance plan, where their immediate suggestions for my improvement included:
- Send all written material to my manager for review prior to distribution.
- Reach out to my manager should I feel I need assistance
Regardless, I had been planning to leave for some time. You can see on the entry from December 29 that I had already been considering leaving. This is simply the kick in the ass that I needed to get out. In that respect, they were nice enough to give me 30 days to find another job. So I took the opportunity and I got down to my new task with a new urgency. I needed to escape. Iworked sparingly in the meantime, but I wasn't really there.
I started applying to jobs furiously and surprisingly I got quite a few callbacks quickly. The larger project i had been busting my back on, went live in January 15. Although I had to work on Martin Luther King holiday. So my manager made a exchange for January 29 and offered the 24th through the 26th as comp time "for all our hard work."
I used my comp time appropriately. I went out for 4 interviews. It turns out I am a desirable property to another company, and they made an offer within 72 hours.
It was just a matter of deciding when to leave my current job. I decided today, and I decided to be worse than they were. I left a note on my desk for my boss when I left for lunch at noon. I don't think she's found out about it yet. I sent a delayed e-mail to the HR manager at 5 p.m.. If she doesn't know by now. She's the idiot I always suppose she is.
It doesn't matter now I'm free.
Friday, December 29, 2006
hum drum
its now just a matter of waiting.
I'm not exactly sure when this happened. I spend my days waiting for the clock to move just that much faster. When I don't wait for the clock I am waiting for other people. But its not like I'm doing anything earth shattering, nor interesting. What I do effects no one, and nothing. So I sit and I wait.
I don't even know what I am waiting for. Part of me thinks that maybe I'm waiting for something to happen. Like get fired. or fly off the handle and strangle my boss till she's blue in the face. Something.
Sure I go to work, and I sit in my cubical. I do the keyboard tapdance all day in hopes that if I do it long enough I look like I'm doing something. But really I'm finding out that whatever I have done really isn't what needs to be done, so then the people above me throw downcast looks and then simply take the work away from me. I don't know what's going on.
Instead I wait. not so patiently, but I still wait.
I wait to be told when and how to wipe my own ass, then I do it, only to be told I did it wrong. I ask for clarification, guidance, only to be told that I should already know how to. I try and protest, claiming that I thought I did - but I'm obviously not doing it to the specifications that are desireable, just to be shot down once more with the retort that I "should" know.
Fuck this. I'm looking for new work elsewhere. I've already applied for an upgrade....a better job has got to be something, no?
I'm not exactly sure when this happened. I spend my days waiting for the clock to move just that much faster. When I don't wait for the clock I am waiting for other people. But its not like I'm doing anything earth shattering, nor interesting. What I do effects no one, and nothing. So I sit and I wait.
I don't even know what I am waiting for. Part of me thinks that maybe I'm waiting for something to happen. Like get fired. or fly off the handle and strangle my boss till she's blue in the face. Something.
Sure I go to work, and I sit in my cubical. I do the keyboard tapdance all day in hopes that if I do it long enough I look like I'm doing something. But really I'm finding out that whatever I have done really isn't what needs to be done, so then the people above me throw downcast looks and then simply take the work away from me. I don't know what's going on.
Instead I wait. not so patiently, but I still wait.
I wait to be told when and how to wipe my own ass, then I do it, only to be told I did it wrong. I ask for clarification, guidance, only to be told that I should already know how to. I try and protest, claiming that I thought I did - but I'm obviously not doing it to the specifications that are desireable, just to be shot down once more with the retort that I "should" know.
Fuck this. I'm looking for new work elsewhere. I've already applied for an upgrade....a better job has got to be something, no?
Monday, December 25, 2006
James Brown - RIP 1933 to 2006
from the AP wire:
He will be greatly missed.
I, for one of millions, will never forget the Godfather of Soul. His music had the power to heal, make people rise up, and bring conciousness to so many generations. Without his influence music to today would never be a great as his weakest attempt.
Brown was hospitalized with pneumonia at Emory Crawford Long Hospital on Sunday and died around 1:45 a.m. Monday.
He will be greatly missed.
why am I working on christmas?
seriously.
this sucks. Nevermind that I don't get paid for OT. I'm fuckin salaried for crying out loud. I was fucking hood-winked. "we'll never make you work for more than 40 hours a week." bull shit. I've clocked on average for the past 4 moths: around 65 hours a week.
if i didn't like money I'd fucking quit. That and I kind of want to see this project through to the end...even though it's probably going to go down in horrible flames simply because it's an unreasonable delivery time for a project of its size. Nevermind the fact that there are only 3 designers working on this that would otherwise take a team of about 8 highly skilled flash developers to do it. Not overly educated PhD's and MA's sitting around attempting to build it. That and the time schedule is unreasonable. 3 months to deliver something that any design shop would tell you would take 6 months to do properly. This is going to end horribly... hopefully not in my quick dismissal from this company.
Although I did pack my stuff up on friday, just in case. I'm not taking any chances. I've been spit out too many times to not know any better.
this sucks. Nevermind that I don't get paid for OT. I'm fuckin salaried for crying out loud. I was fucking hood-winked. "we'll never make you work for more than 40 hours a week." bull shit. I've clocked on average for the past 4 moths: around 65 hours a week.
if i didn't like money I'd fucking quit. That and I kind of want to see this project through to the end...even though it's probably going to go down in horrible flames simply because it's an unreasonable delivery time for a project of its size. Nevermind the fact that there are only 3 designers working on this that would otherwise take a team of about 8 highly skilled flash developers to do it. Not overly educated PhD's and MA's sitting around attempting to build it. That and the time schedule is unreasonable. 3 months to deliver something that any design shop would tell you would take 6 months to do properly. This is going to end horribly... hopefully not in my quick dismissal from this company.
Although I did pack my stuff up on friday, just in case. I'm not taking any chances. I've been spit out too many times to not know any better.
Friday, December 22, 2006
holidays
holi-days.
it meant something once. not so sure about it now. It's beginning to feel more and more like "come-spend-your-money" days.
I guess that I'm reminiscing about what it was like when I was a kid. It was magical - okay not really magical - but it make me think of a time when I thought that it was possible for my desires to come true. (Besides - most 5 year old desires are easy to meet.)
One thing that I remember that makes me smile inside a little - I used to sneak out of bed late at night and I'd tip-toe up to the Christmas tree. Praying that the squeaky floor wouldn't give me away. The tree was all adorned with lights and colors - and towered over me. I remember standing there gaping at how tall it was and how really awesome it felt. I thought that it was the prettiest thing that I'd ever seen.
then... and this is the one thing that I never understood... i had the compulsion to pray.
really.
I'd kneel down on my knees- just like those Rockwell-ian images - in my jammies, and I'd pray. Pray not really for things - but really whispered hopes. I'd pray that I'd grow up big and be happy and that boys would like me, but really I remember praying that things would be better. That life would be simple and that all my family and friends would be okay in the coming year.
I truly thought that it was possible for this magical (albeit dead) tree to grant peace and keep a watchful eye over me, my family and friends. And actually expected for my wishes to come true.
Now I'm older, but strangely I still yearn for that same compulsion to pray for peace. Pray for guidance and pray for a fruitful and happy year ahead. I mean that is what this time of year is for anyway. The earth is hibernating with the expectation that in the season to come all will grow and be good.
So my holiday will be spent quietly praying for all my friends and family. For all those strangers I don't know, and finally for the wish that I could be young at heart for as long as I can hold on to it.
That'd be an awesome gift.
love,
ME!
it meant something once. not so sure about it now. It's beginning to feel more and more like "come-spend-your-money" days.
I guess that I'm reminiscing about what it was like when I was a kid. It was magical - okay not really magical - but it make me think of a time when I thought that it was possible for my desires to come true. (Besides - most 5 year old desires are easy to meet.)
One thing that I remember that makes me smile inside a little - I used to sneak out of bed late at night and I'd tip-toe up to the Christmas tree. Praying that the squeaky floor wouldn't give me away. The tree was all adorned with lights and colors - and towered over me. I remember standing there gaping at how tall it was and how really awesome it felt. I thought that it was the prettiest thing that I'd ever seen.
then... and this is the one thing that I never understood... i had the compulsion to pray.
really.
I'd kneel down on my knees- just like those Rockwell-ian images - in my jammies, and I'd pray. Pray not really for things - but really whispered hopes. I'd pray that I'd grow up big and be happy and that boys would like me, but really I remember praying that things would be better. That life would be simple and that all my family and friends would be okay in the coming year.
I truly thought that it was possible for this magical (albeit dead) tree to grant peace and keep a watchful eye over me, my family and friends. And actually expected for my wishes to come true.
Now I'm older, but strangely I still yearn for that same compulsion to pray for peace. Pray for guidance and pray for a fruitful and happy year ahead. I mean that is what this time of year is for anyway. The earth is hibernating with the expectation that in the season to come all will grow and be good.
So my holiday will be spent quietly praying for all my friends and family. For all those strangers I don't know, and finally for the wish that I could be young at heart for as long as I can hold on to it.
That'd be an awesome gift.
love,
ME!
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
explain to me how this makes sense
Your boss e-mails you to tell you that the e-mail service is down.
Think about that for a minute.
How does this make any sense? On what planet would this seem to work? And then giggle to yourself because it actually did happen...to my boyfriend, this morning. His boss is just *that-much* closer to the nut house.
Think about that for a minute.
How does this make any sense? On what planet would this seem to work? And then giggle to yourself because it actually did happen...to my boyfriend, this morning. His boss is just *that-much* closer to the nut house.
Monday, November 27, 2006
Friday, November 24, 2006
new toys and Turkey hangovers
okay so it's been a while and I apologize I have been no other excuse is other than the truth. I have a brand-new toy now, Dragon NaturallySpeaking 9 and of course I am using this as an opportunity to play with it and test it out. it's working pretty good so far and truthfully it would be nice if I could get it to work with everything I use on a regular basis.
now as for productivity lord only knows. It may actually be worse for me simply because it allows my mind wander while I'm trying to get my thoughts in order which is of course never is easy as you think. it is until you suddenly are given the liberties to do whatever you want with your hands instead of focusing on typing. maybe doing the keyboard tap dance it may not always be bad.
anyway, back to real deal. Yesterday was turkey day, and I'm hoping that you like I, stuffed ourselves silly. I'm lying because I was good and did not proceed to eat my weight in food, at least not at the dinner table. so therefore doesn't really count as stuffing myself and I don't care what you say that's the truth I'm sticking to.
I took my mother to my boyfriend's family's home before the meal, and it seemed like everything was okay. I'm not certain however simply because there is the possibility that my mother felt some awkwardness at being the only white woman at the meal. It's a new experience for her as it is always been the opposite for me being the only biracial girl that most appeals. She was quite quiet, in fact much quieter than I have ever seen her. However, that may just be simply because my boyfriend's family are quite talkative. I'm going to chalk it up to nervousness. In which case that makes the evening even more delicious simply for the nerve factor.
I only hope they were impressed with my abilities to talk smack with the rest of them. Remember I am still a white girl at heart and I'm learning.
So much for keeping it real.
You stay well and healthy don't forget to jog off those extra 5 pounds that you gained yesterday I hope to hear from everyone ,when they get the chance. you can use the comments or you can e-mail me as I do check my mail. Not regularly, when it's only necessary. much love from the left Coast
now as for productivity lord only knows. It may actually be worse for me simply because it allows my mind wander while I'm trying to get my thoughts in order which is of course never is easy as you think. it is until you suddenly are given the liberties to do whatever you want with your hands instead of focusing on typing. maybe doing the keyboard tap dance it may not always be bad.
anyway, back to real deal. Yesterday was turkey day, and I'm hoping that you like I, stuffed ourselves silly. I'm lying because I was good and did not proceed to eat my weight in food, at least not at the dinner table. so therefore doesn't really count as stuffing myself and I don't care what you say that's the truth I'm sticking to.
I took my mother to my boyfriend's family's home before the meal, and it seemed like everything was okay. I'm not certain however simply because there is the possibility that my mother felt some awkwardness at being the only white woman at the meal. It's a new experience for her as it is always been the opposite for me being the only biracial girl that most appeals. She was quite quiet, in fact much quieter than I have ever seen her. However, that may just be simply because my boyfriend's family are quite talkative. I'm going to chalk it up to nervousness. In which case that makes the evening even more delicious simply for the nerve factor.
I only hope they were impressed with my abilities to talk smack with the rest of them. Remember I am still a white girl at heart and I'm learning.
So much for keeping it real.
You stay well and healthy don't forget to jog off those extra 5 pounds that you gained yesterday I hope to hear from everyone ,when they get the chance. you can use the comments or you can e-mail me as I do check my mail. Not regularly, when it's only necessary. much love from the left Coast
Friday, November 17, 2006
Friday, November 10, 2006
RIP Ed Bradley
I know - it is a terrible loss, and I am a day late... but it's well documented. I will refer to the many blogs/newscasts regarding Mr. Bradley's work:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ed_Bradley
http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2006/11/09/national/main2165871.shtml
http://www.cnn.com/2006/SHOWBIZ/TV/11/09/obit.bradley/index.html
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/11/09/AR2006110900820.html
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ed_Bradley
http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2006/11/09/national/main2165871.shtml
http://www.cnn.com/2006/SHOWBIZ/TV/11/09/obit.bradley/index.html
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/11/09/AR2006110900820.html
Ok, ok - everyone knows the news
or maybe you didn't. Aside from this being one of the more happier years that I've had in 12... I think I might actually be in love with germany now.
Whether or not this actually comes to fruition, I think I'm going to have to find a german and shake his/her hand for coming to our rescue. Oh... happy days are here again!!!!
I have to stay optimistic.
Posted Friday, Nov. 10, 2006
Just days after his resignation, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld is about to face more repercussions for his involvement in the troubled wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. New legal documents, to be filed next week with Germany's top prosecutor, will seek a criminal investigation and prosecution of Rumsfeld, along with Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, former CIA director George Tenet and other senior U.S. civilian and military officers, for their alleged roles in abuses committed at Iraq's Abu Ghraib prison and at the U.S. detention facility at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.
Whether or not this actually comes to fruition, I think I'm going to have to find a german and shake his/her hand for coming to our rescue. Oh... happy days are here again!!!!
I have to stay optimistic.
Friday, September 22, 2006
OH MY GOD!!!! - my most favoritest part of oktober
About 3 years ago a friend invited me to Oktoberfest in Mt Tam... I went 'cause I thought it might be fun - nature and beer normally go so well together.
I had a blast and have ever since been trying to get back to that festival. It is rarely publisized (meaning you have to be in-to get in) nor talked about outside of given circles...I came across this by accident.
I would suggest that you come with...It's going to be awesome. Good beer, good food and friendly people.
I had a blast and have ever since been trying to get back to that festival. It is rarely publisized (meaning you have to be in-to get in) nor talked about outside of given circles...I came across this by accident.
Address: 3115 Butters Drive, Oakland 94602. Phone: (510) 531-2930.
Directions: From Hwy 13 Exit Joaquin Miller Rd., take that road about 1/4 mile up the hill, turn Right on Butters & go about 1/2 mile. Look for a small sign and a steep downhill driveway on the right side, taking you to their parking area. A huge outdoor dance floor is on the left, and the clubhouse is on the right. The dance floor has an incredible view of Oakland, San Francisco, the Bay and the Peninsula. Not as much shade on this dance floor, so wear a good sun hat.
The Date:
Oktoberfest II - Oct 1 - Johnny Krische Band
The fest is 1-6 p.m. Admission around $10.
I would suggest that you come with...It's going to be awesome. Good beer, good food and friendly people.
Monday, September 18, 2006
4 year anniversary
I just realized...this blog will be turning 4 soon. Damn. who knew I could keep this up for this long.
Work drama!
Updates? nothing big, but its everything to do with the fact that I haven't worked at a large company...ever. So all of this, everyday of this, is new to me. Now whether or not this is good - has yet to be determined. Regardless I am beginning to see that what it does mean is that I am going to have to learn how to fight my way out of the muck and find a nice little spot on a rock above it all.
How long that will take? I'm not sure. Regardless I'm going to have to get on it. I need to find that little place of isolation where the rest of this can't reach me. Now I don't actually think that this will or even could happen. I'm not that stupid.
Anyway.. week 4 and still am feeling completely clueless and haven't got a firm grip on the reality that is quickly forming around me. and Bam!! thrust into it. I'm doing slip-shod work 'cause I have no guidance and an overwhelming sense that something...anything needs to simply be produced. (which in the end isn't great.)
The Background:
Day one - walk through the door... and get the preverbial "hot potato." My boss wants me to re-work a program and deliver it in two weeks. I say okay, not even having sat down at my computer to establish what my freakin login is. When I do get the chance to sit down and take a look at this "thing" that she wants me to rework...there is no way on gods green earth that it can be done. I have no superpowers. (boy I wish I did though...probably the ability to stop time... that always seemed cool...)
I get a new estimate for my boss cobbled together...but this is based on the prospect that I have at least 3 other people helping me out on this. I set the date for the end of September. I get to work trying to find out who can help me. nobody bites. Now everyone is very helpful in offering they "assistance" but I find that this translates to, "I will tell you what I could do If I was re-creating this, but I cant actually help you do anything." SO I'm going it on my own. I think that I can actually do it, so I break my back and work for nearly 3 weeks straight...bringing work home every evening and in many cases waking up early to get to work by 6:30 am.
I send out the best alpha versions of the program that I can slap-dash together in about 5 days and no tools. (they can't install the software I need to develop this crappy program because of some beauracratic bullshit number was placed in the wrong field...)
I ask for feedback... I say two days (since it's just a review...real quick , I think) 8 days later I get the feedback I need. I now have to adjust my schedule because of this time warp that everyone else was in (8 days = 2 days) and then proceed to update my boss on the situation. I kow-tow as best I can and explain to the best of my abilities that "I was too agressive with my timelines." Cross my fingers and press the send button. Two minutes later I get a phone call...
long story short... the e-mail got circulated all the way up to the director of the department. Now Instead of a simple time adjustment I'm seen as gumming up the works...when in fact it was never me to begin with.
I'm coping with it. I'm passing the buck as best I can...but it still sucks. "It's only my fourth week" i keep having to remind myself. But thats beginnging to sound like a simpering whiney reply to "get to work."
christ.
I only hope that it doesn't stay this way.
How long that will take? I'm not sure. Regardless I'm going to have to get on it. I need to find that little place of isolation where the rest of this can't reach me. Now I don't actually think that this will or even could happen. I'm not that stupid.
Anyway.. week 4 and still am feeling completely clueless and haven't got a firm grip on the reality that is quickly forming around me. and Bam!! thrust into it. I'm doing slip-shod work 'cause I have no guidance and an overwhelming sense that something...anything needs to simply be produced. (which in the end isn't great.)
The Background:
Day one - walk through the door... and get the preverbial "hot potato." My boss wants me to re-work a program and deliver it in two weeks. I say okay, not even having sat down at my computer to establish what my freakin login is. When I do get the chance to sit down and take a look at this "thing" that she wants me to rework...there is no way on gods green earth that it can be done. I have no superpowers. (boy I wish I did though...probably the ability to stop time... that always seemed cool...)
I get a new estimate for my boss cobbled together...but this is based on the prospect that I have at least 3 other people helping me out on this. I set the date for the end of September. I get to work trying to find out who can help me. nobody bites. Now everyone is very helpful in offering they "assistance" but I find that this translates to, "I will tell you what I could do If I was re-creating this, but I cant actually help you do anything." SO I'm going it on my own. I think that I can actually do it, so I break my back and work for nearly 3 weeks straight...bringing work home every evening and in many cases waking up early to get to work by 6:30 am.
I send out the best alpha versions of the program that I can slap-dash together in about 5 days and no tools. (they can't install the software I need to develop this crappy program because of some beauracratic bullshit number was placed in the wrong field...)
I ask for feedback... I say two days (since it's just a review...real quick , I think) 8 days later I get the feedback I need. I now have to adjust my schedule because of this time warp that everyone else was in (8 days = 2 days) and then proceed to update my boss on the situation. I kow-tow as best I can and explain to the best of my abilities that "I was too agressive with my timelines." Cross my fingers and press the send button. Two minutes later I get a phone call...
long story short... the e-mail got circulated all the way up to the director of the department. Now Instead of a simple time adjustment I'm seen as gumming up the works...when in fact it was never me to begin with.
I'm coping with it. I'm passing the buck as best I can...but it still sucks. "It's only my fourth week" i keep having to remind myself. But thats beginnging to sound like a simpering whiney reply to "get to work."
christ.
I only hope that it doesn't stay this way.
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