Friday, October 08, 2010

What its like to be fat in America today

My husband actually sent this link to me. So far it is the one truly clear statement of what it is like to be 'overweight' in modern day America. The most truthful part is the one that cuts deepest:
"When your significant other tells you you're pretty, or beautiful even, you assume he's saying that because he thinks he should and not because he believes it. Not because you're self-deprecating or have low self-esteem or anything else; you can accept all other compliments from him, about being smart or funny or whatever, and you can even smile and say thank you when he says you're pretty, but you don't internalize it the way you do other compliments, you don't really believe it, because how could it be true?"
I realize that it may be hard to understand, but for a lifetime of being told that you aren't worthy of anything because of your size, its difficult to even put into words what you deal with everyday. The awful thing about it is that I am truly fearful, that my daughter will be stuck in a world where the potential for her weight far 'outweighs' her potential in any other venue. I've been overweight my entire life, and although I promise myself that my daughter won't have a 'fat mommy' I can't delude myself into believing that I'll ever be 'thin.'

Genetically I've been blessed with broad shoulders, long muscular legs, a wide-torso (aka big boobs), and these things are truly blessings... but to the rest of the American public they are curses. Although I'm almost 6' tall, it doesn't make up for the rest of the 'heft' that I've inherited from my heritage of peasant farmers, (on both sides.) Ironically I'm better suited to survive almost anything that nature can throw at me due to these blessings, but according to modern day media, I'm a freak because I weigh over 200 lbs.

ugh. this is horrible. There are times when I wish blinders were available in human form.

Friday, September 17, 2010

She was in fine "Zadow" form. Impatient and a little early to the party

So I gave birth.

Yeah it was interesting... more for the fact that it was so damned fast and for the most part textbook. I've never been "textbook" or normal in any other thing in my life, and for this...this amazingly, painful, wonderful, exhilarating, and exhausting thing... I was for the most part textbook (with the exception of the speed of delivery.)

Now I'm a mom. I'm not sure what that means, or how I'm supposed to be. Strangely enough I'm ready to go back to being me pre-baby... almost. I've had my share of breakdowns, my share of nervous moments and a few frenzied nights. Otherwise I vacillates back and forth between freaking out and pure joy.

I know after next week I'll have more insight to this whole strange biological miracle called birth. For now...I'm just over the moon to have had 7 hours sleep last night. (in chunks... but it still counts)

Thursday, July 01, 2010

I'm expecting... or am expectant...

For those of you who don't know... I am pregnant. This is something that I've been working on (if you can call it work) for some time. It's both for personal and medical reasons that I'm overjoyed with the fact that I can get and am pregnant for the first time in my life.

With that said, here are the details: As of today I am 6 months 3 weeks preggers, with a little girl (we believe) and yes we've already picked out a name. My belly is now the size of a prize pumpkin, and my gas is phenomenally unbelievable. Otherwise I am doing just fine. I am active, healthy and doing pretty much everything that I was doing before I got pregnant, minus the skydiving, flame throwing and rollerskating.

I am, as is my husband, trying to remain as normal as I can be. One of the great things about being pregnant is that it also kind of gives you lee-way to stop and recognize that "normal" is a personal thing that varies from person to person/couple to couple. What I may see as normal, someone else may think of as horribly irresponsible, and yet someone else may see as tame. Truly I have no conception of what I will be like, or what this little alien in my belly will be like, but I've gotta say, its a great impetus to learn how to "let go." This is not as easy as it sounds considering that I am a self-described control freak. As I progress with this process I've learned how truly adaptable the human body and psyche are when faced with change. This is more than just shrugging it off and going "oh well," I mean that when I've given myself the opportunity to take stock of what the hell is going on inside, I'm really amazed.

The human body is pretty darned interesting.