Friday, January 31, 2003
This is the deal. I have no deal. Lately it is oddly quiet. I find that I am listlessly floating about my days. This is an odd sense of.... mediocrity? I've never been here before and this is something that I am not used to. I have a day-to-day which is everything but day to day, yet I've managed to do nothing interesting. This is not my passion, this is NOT my bliss, but I have no concept of what my bliss could be. I'm lazy and I've extremely high expectations of myself yet I don't have the drive to follow through with any of the ideas that I have swirling around in my head.
-"i want to write the next great american novel'
-"i want to compose the next soul-searching pop hit"
-"i want to become a world famous singer/songwriter, and still have credibility for authenticity"
-"i want ....." I don't have a clue of what I want. All I really know is that I don't want what i've got to the same degree that I know that I deserve more than what I have. But in the same breath I know that whatever I get as a result of ditching what I have will mean that I might regret it.
- I shouldn't live with regret. But so far I regret nothing...and I'm doing okay. does that mean that I'm narcissistic? or just stupid?
Monday, January 27, 2003
- dirty boys....I've got the blisters because I got a guitar for my birthday. I'm learning to play solo guitar....*tisk, tisk* dirty minds all ya'll
Wednesday, January 22, 2003
Tuesday, January 21, 2003
Monday, January 20, 2003
It is the spot just behind the pantry on the way down to the garbage cans. It is the one spot in the house that no one thinks to look if the lights aren't on. Yet it is near the most heavily trafficked rooms in the house. It is a compunction that I haven't quite figured out entirely.Maybe I want to get caught so that I can find a reason to stop.
Like tonight. I had to eat. I did more than eat. I filled myself. Beyond a point when I knew I should have stopped, I kept eating simply because the food was there and no one else was. I was full and my belly was disdended with all of the food I shoved in my mouth, but I couldn't stop. The whole time I could imagine my fathers voice in my ear. "You'd be so much prettier if you were thin."
I am the big girl. I am that pink elephant in the room. Loud, bright, and impossible to ignore, yet I am invisble. For a long time I was very used to accepting my invisibility. Now I scream for attention when I can. Big curly hair that stands on end, horned rimmed tortise-shelled glasses that accent my almond eyes, big full lips, nothing I do has hidden my features. Yet I could hear a pin drop every time; to the rest of the world I am mute. For all my screaming all I have is a sore thoat.
i want to say that I am done. This is my announcement that I am through. But I know that it isn't the case. I love who I am. I'm not a pariah, nor leper. But if I am a pink elephant then so be it. I only want you to notice that I am the pink elephant. Would that be too much to want to be acknowledged that an elephant, no matter the color or size is still a nobel and beautiful creature? Or will you only ever try to look through that elephant to see some raggedy swan entering a room with its loud honking call for attention?
of course its always easier to be nobel when you have money.
But I will say this. He is a fucking awsome writer.
**edit...I had to edit this dialouge. For Truth in advertising's sake...that and to prove to the world that I have to be the biggest drunken dork there is in the Bay Area.
Friday, January 17, 2003
although it tends to be when I'm at my most productive (creatively not work-wise)
Thursday, January 16, 2003
**edit: Actually there is a second site you can visit but you need to join Hotmail if you want to see it.
You'll just have to scroll down through them if you want to see the results... They were from a recent trip I took for New Years to Vegas with my chicas.....the only one that is really worth any time to look at is the "finale" Otherwise if you want more your're going to need to e-mail me....and if you show me yours I'll show you mine.... ::wink, wink::
Monday, January 13, 2003
I really should learn to set more realistic goals like:
1. do not pick your nose in public.
2. Smile when you cannot think of something to say instead of babbling non stop.
3. The topic of conversation does not need to be all about you. No matter how boring the other persons story is.
4. Be kind to your elders.(at least try to be kind to your elders for at least 20 consecutive minutes. )
5. While at work, do not look at porn. Or at least wait until everyone is out of the office before you look at porn
Actually I don't think that I'd be to succesful at keeping those either.
Friday, January 10, 2003
I hate being sick, if only because there is this feeling that I have rely on others to help me. I hate that feeling more than anything else. I know that I have control problems. No amount of time will be able to change that I say that now and I don't suspect that Its helping me get any better.
New Topic: Reality TV...I never thought that 12 years ago the small genre that was MTV's "Real Worls" would mushroom into the atomic disaster that it is today. As of today (January 10th, 2003) there are currently 20 reality TV shows out there (rough estimate) half of them I've never even watched (okay I have watched a good majority of them) and the other half are a guilty pleasure that I feel I shouldn't be indulging in. Its beginning to feel like bear-baiting. "Lets throw these 20 unsuspecting women at a 28 year old man whom it posing as a millionare when really he's living at the poverty line." what the hell kinda show is that, yet I'm absolutely riveted and locked into my television. Or there is the newest one where we move away from the "regular-joe" reality into the B stars. The surreal life is a horrible train wreck waiting to happen. But I can't look away. I feel like I'm going to burn out my retina's if I watch. but....I.....just.....cant......look......away
Friday, January 03, 2003
On top of all that some more major changes have happened at my company. I'm a little scared. At the same time I'm confident that from here on out that I've got not that much to worry about. Hopefully. I think.
damn. Who in the hell does that fool think he is....some random in an office next to mine thinks that I'm his personal bitch. I'm fucking busy multi-taskin my lazy ass off. I Ain't doin shit fo you fool....
- to mention new items...I was listening to NPR yesterday and it turns out that Bush Jr. has managed to very serriptiously appoint a pro-life doctor to the NIH...and although he had originally wanted to appoint him the director he's still managed to get enough twists and turns into it that instead of the director (which thankfully was shot down by congress) he's appointed him to a board that has veto power and committe designation administration....Shit. Now I'm really fucked. I knew that unless I had I dick I'd be fucked after that last election debacule.
- so what If I can't spell....I'm a publik skool kid. I made it out without any holes in my body before graduation...You should be so lucky