Okay,
This is the "big day" I'm leaving for the hospital in about a half an hour. I remember the first surgery that I had for my left knee. I don't remember much of the first week. But once the drugs wore off, and I sobered up, man. That was not fun.

I'm trying to console myself with the idea that this will bring more symmetry to the aesthetics of my legs. (So what if I can't spell, you get the drift) The last time it was really difficult, simply because I "knew" that I might never speak to my friends again. and in part I was somewhat correct. The friends that I had made such close bonds with and had expected to be there forever were not. I had invested so much into them and had expected so little. But ironically enough it was the people with whom I had not expended nearly the same amount of care and love had really wowed me. They were the ones whom gave back more than I could have ever expected and with whom I am still friends with to this day. I suppose that with hindsight the "friends" (and I use the term as loosely as possible) that I had loved and cared about were really some of the most selfish people I had met. All of the extra energy that I was using up was simply because it was so hard. I thought that all that extra work meant that I was a great friend. Now I can see that it was them and not me, otherwise when I was rehabilitating the first time I would have seen them, would have heard from them.

I suppose that I'm just thinking that I'm lucky that this time around I know that this is not going to cause such rifts. I've already had such a warm outpouring of support and love that I'm feeling okay.

-geeze. One long heck of a way to say that "I'm OK" I'll be okay. I'm a little anxious, but more about the coming home and starting the rehabilitation than anything else. Only because I know that it's going to be painful. But lucky me, I get a hottt guy to "work me good" hahahahah. To bad that it will be about two weeks before I'll probably see him again. He's really nice, but the problem lies in the fact that he's NOT interested and that he's my physical therapist. Although he'd be cool to hang around with. I suppose that I'll have to broach the subject later in the rehab, but he'd be cool....of that I'm pretty sure.

-On another note: i am scared out of my mind that I'll go under and when I get out we'll be in the midst of world war III. I'm not looking forward to it if only that since 9/11/01 there is the knowledge that "we" are vunerable and that we may be a target. I'm keeping my fingers crossed. You should do the same.

to try and lighten the mood because I've been down lately...

this was a picture taken more than a few months ago. Needless to say it was the result of drunken debauchery, only this time someone had a camera...that and well...this match went on for a while.


actually this picture isn't true to life. 2 seconds later I had flipped him and had "pippo" pinned and calling out for mercy.....hahahahaha. oddly enough his mercy cry was "I'm farting, I'm farting"...you had to be there.

Okay. I got back from the doctors. It turns out that in my unflailing good sense of bad karma I managed to really fuck up my right knee. It turns out that I'll need surgery. It will be outpatient, but it will be for three procedures seeing that I managed to completely fuck up the cartilage in my knee with a "bucket tear" and a "simple" tear with both the right and left portion of the cartilage. Basically the bone from the fib-tib is sitting right on top of each other which is why I am in such terrible pain all the time. (no thanks to the drugs.)

so It'll be surgery for me. fuck. fuck. fuck, fuckety fuck. I'll be going under the knife 3/19/03. so if you don't hear from me in two weeks...I'm probably dead.

but now that I've Managed to fuck things up even more....damn. Life sucks and if you're lucky you get a painless death.
- I dislocated/broke my right knee now. fuck.

I only had one good knee left to work with and I managed to go and fuck that shit up too.

Here's the deal:
It was last thursday (2/27) when I was out with the usual suspects. Of course there was alcohol involved, but I was being good as I didn't want to get trashed. it was a good night, and I have to admit that I have never seen my roommate that shit-faced, ever. it was funny. I was happy. I was having a good time...so I was skipping, and generally being silly. so naturally I thought that it would be the perfect opportunity to do my version of Monty Python's Flying Circus' - Ministry of Silly Walks. Thats what did it. I was mid-goose step/hop and then I came down wrong. Although I never knew that there was as right way to have a silly walk, but now I do.
Fuck it hurt. And it didn't help that it sobered me up immediately. Unfortunatley it didn't sober up the rest of the crew. They were all pretty much still shitfaced as shitfaced as you can be. so I went home, hobbled up my stairs and tried to sleep. I haven't really slept well since.