Friday, September 30, 2005

got cut.


it's unbelieveable. these past two weeks have been just that - strangely unreal. It seems like I can't break through the 2 year celing. I'm not really mad, but I still wanted to be the one to say "Fuck you" and then walk off in a huff, rather than it being the other way around. I know tht its hypocritical to say all of this considering that I have been looking for work since this past friday (last week) and that I've got interviews lined up, but its still something that kinda hurts.

you feel slighted. like the ugly one in high-school again. like no one likes you, or that maybe you've done something to make the popular kids turn against you.

and it sucks.

Don't ever let anyone tell you that they're okay after they just get laid off/fired/let go. It still hurts. It won't ever not hurt. I'm beginning to get convinced that maybe this isn't the profession for me. I've got shell shock now from all of the blows that keep coming my way. Every 3 months I get scared...I back everything up. Print all that I can out. Take immediate stock of all of the items that are within my reach that aren't nailed down...every time. And it always seems to happen right about the time that I get complacent. I get comfortable. It has never failed. Every time.

Its not that I liked the job. I couldn't stand it. It is soul crushing. It was daily torture, and with retrospect I'll be happy for the time and opportunity to go back to school that it gave me. Yet in the grander scheme of it all - this was a huge back-step and an emotional slap down that didn't need to happen. Now that I think of it...when I took this job I had another one lined up as well. They were ready to make an offer to me...its just that this job got to me first.


I want to cry, but I cant. There isn't anything to cry about. I think... No, I know that the ONLY thing that I'll miss are my co-workers. A great lot of people. They are what sustained me and made it bearable to go into that hell. Funny and caring...they were friends. and its rare that I get the opportunity to say that about an office.

fuck. now what.

1 comment:

Me said...

Well I still like you. I think you rock!!! Fuck em! You're better off without them. Love Dave :)