Friday, March 11, 2005

I've come to realize - I've lost my creativity

I've been so wrapped up in being busy - looking busy - acting busy that I've managed to lose what I once thought was absolutely essential to my personal well-being.

I find that I am perusing Amazon and other sources for self-help books. I think that I've become the sad cliche that I had hoped I'd never become...

"make the career you have the career you love!" "women, and the life changes they made to be better!" " stressed out? Good for you, now leave your job"

Looking to self-help books to find the answers, instead of being self-sufficent enough to know that I don't need snake-oils, and others to help me "through" know what I mean...
It's not just the stress, although that is a good part of it, but I keep thinking that maybe I've abandoned something in the process of just desperately trying to maintain a "safe balance." Of course most of the books that I've either mistakenly purchased in a moment of bordem all seem to be "find a way out" kind of books. The kind that try to lead you by the nose to get you to do what they've done, make "that" change and then be happy. (whatever in the hell that means.)

But to be honest, I'm not depressed, (well just a little I live in a big city for christs sake. You're not normal if you haven't been to therapy at least once in your life) and I'm not unhappy. I'm just feeling lost. You know that kind of lost. Everyone does every once in a while, whoever tells you they don't is deluding themselves, is on some serious drugs, or otherwise anstestizing themselves to their current reality. But for me...its been a long while that I've felt this way. I keep looking back through older posts, and old journal entries, and it seems to be the same laments over again. "I feel lost." "I feel purposeless." "I feel like I should be doing/could be doing 'more'" (of what more pertains to I haven't a clue.)

a lot of my self pity and self-loathing is gone, and a lot is due to the fact that I'm much more confident than I ever have been before. It doesn't hurt to have my guy. He has made one hell of a difference in my life, in just a short amount of time. But its not him that I've been thinking about. its me. I think that I'm still allowed to be selfish in this place and space, I don't consider myself a "fully fleged adult" yet, although I'm closer than where I started.

Its the aimlessness.

That's what's making me feel dragged down. And its not like I'm not busy. In fact I'd say its the opposite. I'm running around busy all damn day. its the encroaching feeling like I'm phoning it in, and have been for quite some time. That is what is worrying me more than anything else.

Once, I wanted to be a writer so badly. It tugged at me and kept me up at night. Now its fallen by the wayside. Now it seems I'm going to be a business woman, but truthfully I can't stand that Idea either. Part of me hates the way I am so susceptible to modern trends, 'cause now I wish that I was some heiress...(actually that's a lie, everyone wants not work for a living.) But really I still just want to be, want to be DOING something else. Its the constant circle of employment and then unemployment that forced me back into what I'm doing, and I hate it. Now truthfully it offers me a grand opportunity to go to school...But even that was a phoned in. I applied on a whim, got in on a whim, and am not really dedicating much to it.

I dont have a super-clear idea of what I want, but I know that its not this. This hasn't been it for a good long time. This has paid off my college bar & books tab. But its not really feeding me or even filling me with any sense of completion or statisfaction.

shit. maybe I just need to quit.

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