Monday, January 20, 2003

I smoke in dark corners. I have a favorite spot where I smoke my borrowed cigarettes with the lights off so that no one can see me. I don't relish the cigarette like others do. I hate the smell of it. I hate that smoking alone makes me feel guilty; i hate that I'm not addicted to cigarettes either so I cannot write off what I am doing to mere compulsion.

It is the spot just behind the pantry on the way down to the garbage cans. It is the one spot in the house that no one thinks to look if the lights aren't on. Yet it is near the most heavily trafficked rooms in the house. It is a compunction that I haven't quite figured out entirely.Maybe I want to get caught so that I can find a reason to stop.

Like tonight. I had to eat. I did more than eat. I filled myself. Beyond a point when I knew I should have stopped, I kept eating simply because the food was there and no one else was. I was full and my belly was disdended with all of the food I shoved in my mouth, but I couldn't stop. The whole time I could imagine my fathers voice in my ear. "You'd be so much prettier if you were thin."

I am the big girl. I am that pink elephant in the room. Loud, bright, and impossible to ignore, yet I am invisble. For a long time I was very used to accepting my invisibility. Now I scream for attention when I can. Big curly hair that stands on end, horned rimmed tortise-shelled glasses that accent my almond eyes, big full lips, nothing I do has hidden my features. Yet I could hear a pin drop every time; to the rest of the world I am mute. For all my screaming all I have is a sore thoat.

i want to say that I am done. This is my announcement that I am through. But I know that it isn't the case. I love who I am. I'm not a pariah, nor leper. But if I am a pink elephant then so be it. I only want you to notice that I am the pink elephant. Would that be too much to want to be acknowledged that an elephant, no matter the color or size is still a nobel and beautiful creature? Or will you only ever try to look through that elephant to see some raggedy swan entering a room with its loud honking call for attention?

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