Merry Christmas - And I hope that you got everything you wanted for christmas. Soon I'll post what I got so you can see how much fun you can have with hair products - oh joy!!

yay - still employed and will have the opportunity to take the BF (read Boyfriend - I'm giddy) to family functions now.

- am feeling silly at being happy to have a christian holiday to celebrate. What would by great grand father Rabbi Davidson have to say about me?!?!?!

Okay so here's the deal....I have a cold, I am working in an office for which I don't care to actually work here since I'm a temp, I want a holiday - after 3 months of employment it feels like a lifetime again...

where is my rich old man willing to hook a girl up for the rest of her life?
When did I give up on that brillian plan? Instead its looking more and more like I am becoming entrenched in the middle class idle time life style that emphasizes money and ownership over all else. I guess its the easiest thing to do considering that I'm insanely lazy.

christ its been over a month since I ever even though to look at - up date this damned blog anyway. Lord knows how long it has been since I've even updated the journal.

I actually should be celebrating my 1 year anniversary of this blog... approximately one year ago I began to post my mindless self-indulgent ramblings on this place. I haven't really gotten anywhere fast. Babies have been born, I've broken and healed myself; been laid off then hired again....Hmmm I guess pretty interesting in fact.

Europe was fun, having a man now is even more fun...(I get to play evil tricks on him - and its even more fun when he goes along with it...ahahahah) I miss those who are gone (died/left/moved on) but I'm enjoying those whom have stayed behind. Marriages are coming around the bend...and no real ideal of why in the heck they are all rushing off to pay more in taxes to the government. odd.

another baseball season comes to a close and the same damn team always makes to the playoffs. I wonder if it ever seems as boring as it actually is to the rest of the world. hmm.

talking to myself again. Its an awful habit I've re-acquainted myself with. Things have been going along swimmingly...Pippo got a job and a working visa. he'll be returning at the end of October for the holidays. Its good to know that he'll be coming back after the scare that he gave us last week. Very suddenly and incredibly breifly he tried to slip out of sight without anyone knowing where in the hell he was going to. We only JUST got the chance to get in a send-off under the wire before he fled the coop. Not very nice of him.

however it is a good sign. It is also an auspicious sign that Ken got a job as well. Over a year and a half of nothing and he got an offer. Its not definite but it is definitely promising. You have to be hopeful otherwise there is no way that you can survive that kind of torment. Besides....EOP works in his favor. Most companies would kill to have an intelegent black man as an employee. (not necessarily loyal mind you - and rightfully so considering the prior hell he went through with his previous employers.)

so things are looking up. I am making a good impression...and if my memory serves me there was mention by my predicessor that she might not return after the birth of her child. I'm hopeful that she will NOT return if only because I like having a paycheck. I like having a job to go to. I like having co-workers again. And although the work is not necessarily saving anyones life...it is satisfying nonetheless.

my...

I was drunk, but obviously not so drunk as to post. Never a good idea. It is the equivalent of a drunken phone call. Incoherent and rambling. Although much more fun because now there is evidence of your stupidity. HA.

I am happy - and this is terribly rare...its meant to explain the absence of posts...When I'm happy I tend to get wrapped up in it. and that is not necessarily such a bad thing - it just means that my life becomes mundane in the meantime.

that and this is really just a segway before I get rip-roaring drunk tonight...

yay for international cronies who love to drink as much as I.

I'm unplugged. I'm wireless. I'm actually drunk...so it doesn't make a difference.

- I'm sitting in front of my TV watching SNL in hopes of seeing an Internet star a star...and Jack Black.
Damn he's funny..although I really am not wathcing because I'm busy being drunken and not laughing so I'm not sure what to make of this year's SNL cast

Okay in an effort to show that I am somewhat inclined to being hip (okay keep the sniggering down you!)
I am now happily plugging along on the web when I encounter a new voice.

ernie halter.

he's good.

AND he's white...although until I saw a picture I was CONVINCED that he had some flava to savaahh...

Now I normally don't ever expect to find good stuff on daretosing.com...heck even I know that my Bathroom voice should never be heard outside the shower. Nevertheless he has a real talent and musicanship that anyone could appreciate. I gotta give my props since I ducked out of the singing gig and am now exclusively maligned to the Birthday singing and Windows-UP car singing.

so now That I've sufficently plugged...one last one...go to erniehalter.com and download some songs...

that and

I got a new tooooyyyy/bright and shiiinnnnyy new toooyyy
and I'm gonna play it till myyyy batteries diiiiieeeee!

*skips away frantically * - aren't YOU Jealous of my new iPod?!?!? Ain't it sexy?!?!?!

So things are plodding along.

Job (check)
Opposite sex (check)
Money (check)
Good Health ....um check. Sort of.

The point being that I was plodding along and was not paying attention last week. I WAS plodding along minding my own, and then the klutzy-inevitable happened. I banged my toe. But this time I banged it good enough to pull the nail off...of my big toe. *sigh* although at the time sighing was not exactly what I was engaged it.

more like a turretsian fit of expletives flowing from my mouth. I wish that I could say that it was a rare sight. Unfortunately for me...its pretty common to see me doing this exact thing. Swearing a blue streak as the result of my own inability to understand my personal spatial relations with the rest of the world.

god damn I'm klutzy.

I'm surprized that I haven't ended up in traction or a full body cast already. 'Cause it feels like I'm headed in that direction already.

Yesterday was a strange mixture of great and sad.

Jorje Antonio Cuervas died 2 weeks ago of complications due to liver cancer. He was a wonderful man. Quiet, loving and musical he will be missed RIP 1945 - 2003


I went to the wake yesterday morning. It was at the Fort Mason in Building A. The place was filled with people who loved and wanted to honor his memory. It was truly touching, and very emotional. I cried. Not for myself, but for his wonderful family who now have to live without him.

Then I decided to go hikin...in Marin...in a skirt...and flimsy shoes. It was not (obviously) a good idear.

Time has sped up, and in the wake of this extra momentum I've been negligent of so many people and things that I needen't have been.

Yet I think they may be wiling to forgive me. Tonight I'm going to celebrate life - Tonight I'm going to live it up with a bang, if only for a little while. You know I'm not as young as I used to be. I'm going to gossip fiendishly and flirt shamelessly. And somehow manage to get to bed at a respectable hour.

- haven't got any money riding on it though.

Three years and a lifetime away from the moment I "thought" life would change forever.

Strangely Life has stayed somewhat the same. I'm not quite sure if that is good; having been told ad naseum that I MUST feel a sense of loss and greif for those who did suffer innocently at the hands of others.

And I do. However I am more scared that "we" collectively haven't learned from what has transpired. That scares me more than an angry group of terrorists who lash out because it they feel it is the ONLY way to make themselves heard.

And I am still as helpless as I was at 5:45 am PST 9/11/01.

Week 1 and a half completed...and already I'm sick as dog. I caught a cold the VERY first week that I was at my office. ugh. It was a head cold and has now culminated into a chest cold...meaning that I've managed to cough away my voice. Christ. Things could not have had a more awful beginning.

Truthfully the job seems great sofar. But as a temp I'm treated as a temp and all of the other super-imposed sterotypes that go along with being a temp. I don't have access to files that I'll need in order to do the work that's been asked of me. I can't assist because I don't have access to the directories that I do need access to in order for me to assist...the list goes on and on.

it could make a girls frustrated. But why? 'Cause I'm a temp...I'm really only going to be here for a few more months...I can tough it out.

okay, so it's been awhile. So I've been down in the dumps for a bit. But that's acceptable. No work, no love, no money and no perceptable future. That would get anyone down.

- so now that things have turned around I'm determined to make the most of what I've got. IT'S a JOB!!! yes a brand spanking new job, doing exactly what I was doing before, and for the same pay, minus benefits and minus travel. Which is not such a bad thing. This could definetly make me tired after several years of being on the run...made me feel like I was on the run from the law, or something. Now the downside of this wonderful news means that I have to get my act together and start all over. I have to get up early and drag my lazy butt an hour away from home to get my money on. oh well. That and the good thing is that I also have to learn all about more software programs and learn how to disseminate them to others.

SO this will definietly be interesting if only because there is suddenly so much more for me to do. Classes, Work, Driving about 80 miles a day...ugh. Is it worth it? well when you don't have work, (or money for that matter) it's worth it. You make it worth it. I'm going to have to get used to working again. 6 months of sleeping in and lazying about have now ended and I have to get back on schedule. With everthing. It also means no more mid week vacations to anywhere.

Its good news, really. So why am I trying to convince myself that it is?

you're XhardcoreX!


How can I label you?
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was there ever any doubt?

oy! (With jewish accent intact) I've met a nice boy. He's shy...and as a result I'm already bored, or scared. I can't really make up my mind yet. Odd that I'm feeling this way. He's attractive and so automatically I'm wondering why he finds me attractive, because in my own minds eye I'm fucked up. Really fucked up. That and I'm brooding. I always am brooding when I have NO money and tons of time.

- if you can't tell I'm still unemployed. Still looking and still having no success at getting employment. Its one third lazyness, one third half hearted attempts to get employment and the last third shitty job market. All things being equal means that I won't have work for some time...only more expenses.

- on another note, because I am unemployed I thought that it'd be a great idea to go on a road trip to Mt. Shasta....I should have known better. I have never ventured into that particular part of Northern California without some dilemma occuring to the car that I am traveling in. (actually this is the only time that this has happened to me, but I KNOW when to throw in the towel. Nature just doesn't want me there.) so here are the abbreviated details: Unintentionally went off-roading in a 98 VW Golf; Lost a piece of steel from the undercarriage while off-roading; got very-very lost in the Shasta-Trinity National Forest; managed to get back to the paved road only to get a massive flat on the left front tire. But being a natural with car incidents, (I owned a ford escort hatchback prior to my VW) I was able to get my tire changed in 5 minutes flat. Not good enough for the Brickyard pit crew or anything...but damned good for a car filled to the brim with camping equipment and other "goodies" Not joking either. I had my friend time me. 5 Minutes....hmmm

- regardless: this guy...dunno. he's cute, but (and yes his is cute) it's only been the third time I've seen him - actually the first when there wasn't 20 or so other people around goading me to find out if I thought that he was nice. It was a set-up originally - a set up that almost didn't happen. But its a good distraction all around.

- sarcasam aside: rent's due, I'm broke, and my pimp's about to come-a-callin. gotta go.

*edit: I've just re-read my short-list, of course the only one that I've been only slightly succesful at is getting to the gym 2x's a week. gotta keep working on the rest.

This is supposed to be a mark on the wall to note a progression. At least that is what these "journals" or logs are supposed to commemorate. You re-read them in a moment of self indulgence and then you are supposed to look whimsically back upon the life lessons that you've learned from that point in your life.

But I guess I missed that day in school. I never was good at my lessons.

I'm exactly where I was about 8 years ago. But without the benefit of 100 miles distance and a couple of dollars in my pocket. 8 years ago was shite. and I thought that I would never have to live through something like that again. now granted this is not exactly like what happened then, but its still is not great. I'm not thinking clearly, (although I suppose that I never did) and I continue to have delusions of some victorian ideal... some silly made up story in my head that I'm desperately trying to convince myself is real. Good lord I'm so lame.

I've been avoiding what needs to be done. Procrastination is so easy that before you know it a whole day has slipped away. Since feburary my life has been in a holding pattern. I've had really no other alternative. I was afraid that this would happen to me, as it was exactly what happened to me the last time that I injured myself.

you forget how much you value independence until you can no longer savor it
Then again, this was a real test, last time, to see who were the people in my life that I could depend upon. Unfortunately it wasn't who I'd hoped it would be, infact they were the ones that had let me down the most. (this was back in 1996) It was the strange feeling that I had been ripped from a life that I had only begun to formulate as an individual. This time it wasn't the same, but I was still incredibly fearful that I might be "end" of some very dear relationships. And the fact that it was in reality an ending of some sort. I had been 'fired'; I had no money; One of my dearest friends was leaving the country...potentially never to return. I think that most people with just these items alone would have been slobbering fools...add to that a massive injury that makes it near impossible for you to me mobile without narcotics that impair your senses and the assistance of another? A lesser woman would have cracked under the stress.

Not that I'm trying to toot my own horn, (actually I'm just trying to talk my way to a solution) but I think that I've managed to turn out alright from this one. Not so much as if I were staring from the bottom of a 8' deep ditch, but more like I have fallen in the dirt and I'm ready to dust myself off and clean up the wounds and keep going. Its still difficult to get my bearings. So much has changed in just the 5 months since all of these horrors have happened. (Christ, it has been 5 months now hasn't it.) And from my perspective life has sped up around me. I know that it's going to take some time to adjust, not much hopefully, but I've been good at faking the dance steps. (good god talk about baddly mixed metaphors.)

- so here's hoping that the procrastination will begin to fall by the wayside. I should make a list:
1. pick up the freaking guitar and start learning your chords and chord progressions
2. get a guitar teacher.
3. go to the goddamned gym at least 2x's a week...fat ass
4. eat less, you fat fuck...(I'm talking to myself now...its a sure sign of madness I know it.)
5. actually study for the goddamned GRE.
6. apply your mind in a noble persuit that does not directly benefit you. (on my way to saint hood!)
7. don't look at so much porn online.

- that's looking like a good starting point. since it was all off the cuff anyway.

I've been looking for this for about 5 years now. I've finally found it again, and I hope to keep it near me so that I can always be reminded of it. I wanted to share this with you as it is one of the most moving things I've ever read. This is taken from a speech that Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. gave on April 4th 1967, exactly a year before his assassination. The speech was entitled "Beyond Vietnam", but its basic premise was more to do with the changing face of history and our part in its formation.

We are now faced with the fact that tomorrow is today. We are confronted with the fierce urgency of now. In this unfolding conundrum of life and history, there is such a thing as being too late. Procrastination is still the thief of time. Life often leaves us bare, naked and dejected with a lost opportunity. The tide in the affairs of men does not flow, it ebbs.

We may cry out desperately for time to pause in her passage, but time is deaf to every plea and rushes on. Over the bleached bones and jumbled residue of numerous civilizations are written the pathetic words... "Too Late."

It was a very long day June 6th, 2003.
But (and if the links for the photos worked you could see how cute I looked regardless of the grime.) notice that we're still smiling...I think it was out of mere exhaustion and surprise. After 20 + hours of train travel (all due to the French train strikes, thank you very much!) We (along with 3 others) all arrived at our planned destination (Octon, France) at approximately 10:30 pm. Approximately 20 hours after we had left from Verona, Italy. The trip via train is only supposed to take 12 hours. I'm surprised that we were even able to sit up, let alone smile about it and have a drink of wine for dinner.

But it was all definitely worth it. The entire point of the trip was for a friends wedding. A whole day affair in the bucolic landscape of the Languedoc region of southern France. The image below is from the garden of a lovely abbey where we had an all day reception and party for the happy couple. The church in the center of the photo was where the two got married in an all French ceremony (where incidentally 1/2 of the attendants didn't speak a word of French.)The entire wedding party didn't consist of more than approximately 70 people, but it could not have been the more perfect size for the occasion. Kids, adults and friends alike all danced, sang and had a great time, until they kicked us out around 2 am. (the food wasn't bad either...mmmm foi grais)
*edited 'cause the freakin pics weren't loading and I'm too lazy to try and load them to a secured server

this was a good day...


the one thing that you'll notice is that there was fireworks in the background. This was May 10th, which was KFOG kaboom wich has turned into a tradition in San Francisco. 40 + minutes of fireworks and associated relvery. It was definetly a good day.

Next time you hear from me I should be in Europe.

I'm crying like a silly bastard.

- my flatmate has gone home. I took him to the airport today, and although I am going to see him again in about a weeks time...now that he's gone I'm crying like a silly bastard. I know that we'll keep in touch, and that there is no doubt in my mind that we'll always remain friends, its just the idea that I don't get to keep something special with him that no one else had. I got to live with him. I got to be a part of the paddy-party 24/7. damn.

I just have to keep reminding myself that I'll see him in 10 days time. 10 days time. 10 days time.

okay. Now I'm better than I was before.

its difficult to have to re-evaluate what you've been planning for. To have that rug yanked from under. Law school/grad school/ advanced degree was the plan...now its not. I have to start over and then just step back into the rushing throng of the day to day life that I used to have. Unfortunately that day-to-day life sucks and is incredibly dreary.

Changing subjects: I just got back from a 5 day road trip with two friends, and although it was refreshing...now I'm left with the feeling like it wasn't long enough. Damn my employed friends for being responsble. This is the one time in my life when I have shit to do and the last thing on my mind is to stay put. Regardless. 5 days, 3 states, 9 national parks/monuments. Fuckin awesome. It only makes me want to go back and do it all again... possibly with a little more time in Northern New Mexico...less of it spent on the 666 highway...and yes there is a 666 highway. I shit you not...we broke down there. Talk about odd coincidence. But the rest of the trip was filled with inside jokes, flatulence, snoring and lots and lots of sex talk...(I was the only girl.)
I'll get to the details and the images later. I'm too bored with the retelling of it all to try and justfy it right now with detailed explinations of wasteless ideas.

life sucks, and then IF you're lucky you get to die a quick painless death.

- I don't suspect that I'll ever be that lucky. For those of you who care, and I doubt that there are many of you out there; I got word back from the law school that I applied to. I didn't get in. That and last night the beach bonfire I helped to host, well I had to leave BEFORE the freggin DJ's showed up unexpectedly. DAMN!!!

DAMN my god damned knees. I fucking wonder why god has it out for me sometimes. It is as if I am some real life sissiphus. I have ever only gotten so far...only to be crushed by some crap circumstance. Or maybe it could be the simple fact that I'm lazy...
oh who cares. I'm bored. I think I'll go watch some TV.

Living life is important, but it still hurts now that he's gone.
I will miss him, because he made me laugh without any worries
and smile without fear.
I love you Mr David Cocking of the UK.

R.I.P.

he died in an accident, not associated to alcohol but freakishly while he was busy with the work of life. I will miss him for the purely selfish reason all people do when someone dies. I will miss him simply because I do not get the chance, spark, the moment of inspiration that every person brings into your life. But I will miss him most because he made my life bright. he made it fun. he made it worthwhile. I wanted to spend so much time with him if only to see what would happen next.

My mother is going to the funeral, Unfortunately I cannot attend. I am still recouperating from the surgery of only two weeks ago. Its odd that this is the second time someone close to me has passed after a knee surgery. I want to believe that it's coincidence, but I'm to superstitious to not think that its not related. Christ. It will be awhile before I can laugh again like that.

Okay,
This is the "big day" I'm leaving for the hospital in about a half an hour. I remember the first surgery that I had for my left knee. I don't remember much of the first week. But once the drugs wore off, and I sobered up, man. That was not fun.

I'm trying to console myself with the idea that this will bring more symmetry to the aesthetics of my legs. (So what if I can't spell, you get the drift) The last time it was really difficult, simply because I "knew" that I might never speak to my friends again. and in part I was somewhat correct. The friends that I had made such close bonds with and had expected to be there forever were not. I had invested so much into them and had expected so little. But ironically enough it was the people with whom I had not expended nearly the same amount of care and love had really wowed me. They were the ones whom gave back more than I could have ever expected and with whom I am still friends with to this day. I suppose that with hindsight the "friends" (and I use the term as loosely as possible) that I had loved and cared about were really some of the most selfish people I had met. All of the extra energy that I was using up was simply because it was so hard. I thought that all that extra work meant that I was a great friend. Now I can see that it was them and not me, otherwise when I was rehabilitating the first time I would have seen them, would have heard from them.

I suppose that I'm just thinking that I'm lucky that this time around I know that this is not going to cause such rifts. I've already had such a warm outpouring of support and love that I'm feeling okay.

-geeze. One long heck of a way to say that "I'm OK" I'll be okay. I'm a little anxious, but more about the coming home and starting the rehabilitation than anything else. Only because I know that it's going to be painful. But lucky me, I get a hottt guy to "work me good" hahahahah. To bad that it will be about two weeks before I'll probably see him again. He's really nice, but the problem lies in the fact that he's NOT interested and that he's my physical therapist. Although he'd be cool to hang around with. I suppose that I'll have to broach the subject later in the rehab, but he'd be cool....of that I'm pretty sure.

-On another note: i am scared out of my mind that I'll go under and when I get out we'll be in the midst of world war III. I'm not looking forward to it if only that since 9/11/01 there is the knowledge that "we" are vunerable and that we may be a target. I'm keeping my fingers crossed. You should do the same.

to try and lighten the mood because I've been down lately...

this was a picture taken more than a few months ago. Needless to say it was the result of drunken debauchery, only this time someone had a camera...that and well...this match went on for a while.


actually this picture isn't true to life. 2 seconds later I had flipped him and had "pippo" pinned and calling out for mercy.....hahahahaha. oddly enough his mercy cry was "I'm farting, I'm farting"...you had to be there.

Okay. I got back from the doctors. It turns out that in my unflailing good sense of bad karma I managed to really fuck up my right knee. It turns out that I'll need surgery. It will be outpatient, but it will be for three procedures seeing that I managed to completely fuck up the cartilage in my knee with a "bucket tear" and a "simple" tear with both the right and left portion of the cartilage. Basically the bone from the fib-tib is sitting right on top of each other which is why I am in such terrible pain all the time. (no thanks to the drugs.)

so It'll be surgery for me. fuck. fuck. fuck, fuckety fuck. I'll be going under the knife 3/19/03. so if you don't hear from me in two weeks...I'm probably dead.

but now that I've Managed to fuck things up even more....damn. Life sucks and if you're lucky you get a painless death.
- I dislocated/broke my right knee now. fuck.

I only had one good knee left to work with and I managed to go and fuck that shit up too.

Here's the deal:
It was last thursday (2/27) when I was out with the usual suspects. Of course there was alcohol involved, but I was being good as I didn't want to get trashed. it was a good night, and I have to admit that I have never seen my roommate that shit-faced, ever. it was funny. I was happy. I was having a good time...so I was skipping, and generally being silly. so naturally I thought that it would be the perfect opportunity to do my version of Monty Python's Flying Circus' - Ministry of Silly Walks. Thats what did it. I was mid-goose step/hop and then I came down wrong. Although I never knew that there was as right way to have a silly walk, but now I do.
Fuck it hurt. And it didn't help that it sobered me up immediately. Unfortunatley it didn't sober up the rest of the crew. They were all pretty much still shitfaced as shitfaced as you can be. so I went home, hobbled up my stairs and tried to sleep. I haven't really slept well since.

ok.
now I have had a few days distance. I feel a little better. Now I am scrambling to get all my Law school information in so that I can find an excuse to fuck around for the next several months. But I'm still fucking out of work. I was supposed to be in portland today. I went a little apeshit at breakfast ranting about how this didn't feel right. I was up much too early and was pacing about the fact that I was not in portland. shit.

I suppose that after I've got all this other shit done I'll get started on looking for work. I think I'll be calling alot of my old clients...

FUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKKK!

I just got laid off. Thankfully I was able to buy off my laptop from the company for next to nothing simply because my boss has never had to lay anyone off and was absoluetly flustered. Shit. I get two months severance. Fuck. I have to look for new work. Fuckety fuck. I have to start all fucking over.

I hope that you liked the valentine....

Happy VD!

What I have learned since monday;
1. NEVER EVER buy anything online with your checking debit card.
2. ALWAYS keep your recipts for the expensive items
3. trust no one.

I got e-robbed. More literally I got e-raped. Some one, we don't know who (but if I ever find you I hope and pray to god that Amnesty International never finds out what I'm going to do to you) stole all my money. ALL OF IT. I am now "Officially" piss poor. The fucked up thing about it is because I belong to a smaller bank and not one of those monster-conglomerates they're going to treat this as an ATM error and not as fraud, which it is. So that means that I don't get my money back in 3 to 4 weeks. It of course fucks up all my plans that I did have to visit the LA area so that I could stalk my favorite stars, drive drunken down Hwy 1 and get plastic sugery.

fuck. This fucking sucks. But on the bright side of it all I got some free drinks out of my friends.

Saturday night I went to the Sweetwater in downtown Marin. Now truthfully I'd never thought that there was an actual downtown just a collection of random shops that because of their proximity to each other justified the town calling it a "Downtown"...Anyway, went to go and see The Heather Combs Band. She fuckin rocks....Literally. She was kickass. I cannot in words literally express how much she rocked my socks. Nevermind the fact that she played a 4 hour set with only a miniscule 15 minute break. Im thinkin that my $15 investment in her CD will turn round to at least net me a nice little drinking binge someday for the future...

oh god.

this is horrible, simply because it only reminds me of our fallability which wages war against our innate desire to move beyond the known world.

I remember the challenger. I will remember the columbia.
It is a horrible thing that our faith in technology can only take us so far and so much rests on pure chance.

I'm sorry. I don't mean to prostletize my luddite tendencies, its just I get this feeling like we (as an organism) are pushing beyond what we are capable of doing. That technology has only provided the means to more, but we have not had the opportunity to all learn from what we have been given. I could lie and say that I wished for a simpler time, but that isn't possible. I was moved to tears when I was listening to NPR this morning.

Rick Husband was the commander of the space shuttle columbia. He had always wanted to be an astronaut. It was his dream, it was his goal, since he was 4 years old. He applied 4 times before he was accepted to NASA. Until later in life he became to realize that being an astronaut was not the ultimate goal. The day before he was to leave on his mission he recorded a video tape which was replayed at his memorial. The gist was that he had come to the realization that being an astronaut was not his goal. He was to be a good and loving father, a good and loving husband and a glowing example of what a good man could be.

Peace be with you, Columbia shuttle crew.

Okay,
This is the deal. I have no deal. Lately it is oddly quiet. I find that I am listlessly floating about my days. This is an odd sense of.... mediocrity? I've never been here before and this is something that I am not used to. I have a day-to-day which is everything but day to day, yet I've managed to do nothing interesting. This is not my passion, this is NOT my bliss, but I have no concept of what my bliss could be. I'm lazy and I've extremely high expectations of myself yet I don't have the drive to follow through with any of the ideas that I have swirling around in my head.
-"i want to write the next great american novel'
-"i want to compose the next soul-searching pop hit"
-"i want to become a world famous singer/songwriter, and still have credibility for authenticity"
-"i want ....." I don't have a clue of what I want. All I really know is that I don't want what i've got to the same degree that I know that I deserve more than what I have. But in the same breath I know that whatever I get as a result of ditching what I have will mean that I might regret it.

- I shouldn't live with regret. But so far I regret nothing...and I'm doing okay. does that mean that I'm narcissistic? or just stupid?

*sniff* Raiders lost. badly. I had such high hopes that they might win. But that said I honestly wasn't paying that much attention to the game simply because I was still recovering from Friday night...whooo hooo!! It is also the main reason why I do NOT have parties at my home. Nasty-ness ground into my already funky carpet only serve to remind me of the fact that I have a very grimy and slap-shot home. Ah well. 'tis the life of a busy working girl...But so far my birthday has been very good to me...Although I do have blisters forming on my fingers...

- dirty boys....I've got the blisters because I got a guitar for my birthday. I'm learning to play solo guitar....*tisk, tisk* dirty minds all ya'll

HOT or NOT 5.7 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 376 votes Rate me!

The numbers lie...I'm a solid 6..

"She's a...brick HOUSE"

"If we were not all so interested in ourselves, life would be so uninteresting that none of us would be able to endure it.
Arthur Schopenhauer (1788 - 1860)"

so true...yet so sad

I smoke in dark corners. I have a favorite spot where I smoke my borrowed cigarettes with the lights off so that no one can see me. I don't relish the cigarette like others do. I hate the smell of it. I hate that smoking alone makes me feel guilty; i hate that I'm not addicted to cigarettes either so I cannot write off what I am doing to mere compulsion.

It is the spot just behind the pantry on the way down to the garbage cans. It is the one spot in the house that no one thinks to look if the lights aren't on. Yet it is near the most heavily trafficked rooms in the house. It is a compunction that I haven't quite figured out entirely.Maybe I want to get caught so that I can find a reason to stop.

Like tonight. I had to eat. I did more than eat. I filled myself. Beyond a point when I knew I should have stopped, I kept eating simply because the food was there and no one else was. I was full and my belly was disdended with all of the food I shoved in my mouth, but I couldn't stop. The whole time I could imagine my fathers voice in my ear. "You'd be so much prettier if you were thin."

I am the big girl. I am that pink elephant in the room. Loud, bright, and impossible to ignore, yet I am invisble. For a long time I was very used to accepting my invisibility. Now I scream for attention when I can. Big curly hair that stands on end, horned rimmed tortise-shelled glasses that accent my almond eyes, big full lips, nothing I do has hidden my features. Yet I could hear a pin drop every time; to the rest of the world I am mute. For all my screaming all I have is a sore thoat.

i want to say that I am done. This is my announcement that I am through. But I know that it isn't the case. I love who I am. I'm not a pariah, nor leper. But if I am a pink elephant then so be it. I only want you to notice that I am the pink elephant. Would that be too much to want to be acknowledged that an elephant, no matter the color or size is still a nobel and beautiful creature? Or will you only ever try to look through that elephant to see some raggedy swan entering a room with its loud honking call for attention?

can I say that I would love to be in love with dave eggers... He is a giraffe amounst a sea of pathetic lemmings. I am envious and spiteful about the fact that "he" has national acclaim as an artist and writer and general former of a "new" zeigeist for the "x-generation." Thankfully though I have NO reason to be jealous. He is humble and he is very philantropic.

of course its always easier to be nobel when you have money.

But I will say this. He is a fucking awsome writer.

**edit...I had to edit this dialouge. For Truth in advertising's sake...that and to prove to the world that I have to be the biggest drunken dork there is in the Bay Area.

busy doing nothing of great importance....Just the same 'ol avoidance of actual work in the office. Every once in awhile I do have work to do and yet I find that I have so many other mundane items that crop up from time to time that I can't seem to get the important things done when they need to get done...damn procrastination.

although it tends to be when I'm at my most productive (creatively not work-wise)

Because I'm lazy I've decided that I can upload these pictures, but I don't have the care or the time to organize them better.
**edit: Actually there is a second site you can visit but you need to join Hotmail if you want to see it.
You'll just have to scroll down through them if you want to see the results... They were from a recent trip I took for New Years to Vegas with my chicas.....the only one that is really worth any time to look at is the "finale" Otherwise if you want more your're going to need to e-mail me....and if you show me yours I'll show you mine.... ::wink, wink::

A good weekend. Although It was a little weak on the sleep and rest and restoration side. As a result I am still sick. This is an unfortunate consequence of not abiding by my new years resolution of "staying dry" for the month of January.
I really should learn to set more realistic goals like:

1. do not pick your nose in public.

2. Smile when you cannot think of something to say instead of babbling non stop.

3. The topic of conversation does not need to be all about you. No matter how boring the other persons story is.

4. Be kind to your elders.(at least try to be kind to your elders for at least 20 consecutive minutes. )

5. While at work, do not look at porn. Or at least wait until everyone is out of the office before you look at porn

Actually I don't think that I'd be to succesful at keeping those either.

ugh...I have a cold. I should be home in bed, but I spent most of yesterday in my bed just sweating out this damn cold.

I hate being sick, if only because there is this feeling that I have rely on others to help me. I hate that feeling more than anything else. I know that I have control problems. No amount of time will be able to change that I say that now and I don't suspect that Its helping me get any better.

New Topic: Reality TV...I never thought that 12 years ago the small genre that was MTV's "Real Worls" would mushroom into the atomic disaster that it is today. As of today (January 10th, 2003) there are currently 20 reality TV shows out there (rough estimate) half of them I've never even watched (okay I have watched a good majority of them) and the other half are a guilty pleasure that I feel I shouldn't be indulging in. Its beginning to feel like bear-baiting. "Lets throw these 20 unsuspecting women at a 28 year old man whom it posing as a millionare when really he's living at the poverty line." what the hell kinda show is that, yet I'm absolutely riveted and locked into my television. Or there is the newest one where we move away from the "regular-joe" reality into the B stars. The surreal life is a horrible train wreck waiting to happen. But I can't look away. I feel like I'm going to burn out my retina's if I watch. but....I.....just.....cant......look......away

These made me drool, until I realized that they may have been the very last photos that the great Herb Ritts may have taken. He died only two days after christmas of 2002.

R.I.P. Herb Ritts 1952-2002

OH MY GWAD!!!! I've managed to whittle away most of my day being stupid and reading an even sillier Bulletin board about nothing of great importance. What's happened to my drive?

On top of all that some more major changes have happened at my company. I'm a little scared. At the same time I'm confident that from here on out that I've got not that much to worry about. Hopefully. I think.

damn. Who in the hell does that fool think he is....some random in an office next to mine thinks that I'm his personal bitch. I'm fucking busy multi-taskin my lazy ass off. I Ain't doin shit fo you fool....

- to mention new items...I was listening to NPR yesterday and it turns out that Bush Jr. has managed to very serriptiously appoint a pro-life doctor to the NIH...and although he had originally wanted to appoint him the director he's still managed to get enough twists and turns into it that instead of the director (which thankfully was shot down by congress) he's appointed him to a board that has veto power and committe designation administration....Shit. Now I'm really fucked. I knew that unless I had I dick I'd be fucked after that last election debacule.

- so what If I can't spell....I'm a publik skool kid. I made it out without any holes in my body before graduation...You should be so lucky